Though attachment often creeps in as love, there are stark differences between the two. And since all of us always seek pure love, let us find for ourselves whether our relationships are based on love or attachment.
1. Love: Selfless – In a love relationship the focus is to make the other happy. You want to create for the other person a sense of security and the feeling of being loved. The relationship is all about offering and not expecting.
Attachment: Selfish – When you are attached your focus is only on extracting things from the other person to make yourself happy. You become heavily dependent on the other person. Attachment brings with itself the habit of barter where relations are based on give and take.
2. Love: Liberating – True love is liberating and comforting. It helps you feel free and be your natural original self, while giving the other person the same feeling. You are not scared of your weaknesses and drawbacks. You love accelerating your personal growth and provide freedom to those around you to do the same. You are never in controlling mode.
Attachment: Controlling – Attachment on the contrary fuels your controlling tendency. You want to be totally in charge of the other person’s life and you want it to go your way. You discourage your partner from doing things that do not match your concepts. You manipulate the other into staying with you irrespective of whether they like it or not.
3. Love: Mutual Growth – When in love you and your partner grow and blossom together. You inspire each other to be the best versions of yourselves. You act as catalysts for each other and stimulate each other’s growth.
Attachment: Encumbering – Where there is attachment, the need to control and over dependency on the other person restricts your growth as well as the other person’s. There is an experience of suffocation and suppression which makes it difficult for both to grow in a healthy way.
4. Love: Everlasting – Love is forever and it survives the tests of time. You and your partner may or may not be together but if you are truly in love, that person will always have a place in your heart and you will continue to wish him well. There may be togetherness or separation but in the heart you will always be close.
Attachment: Transient – If you are merely attached to your partner, at the time of separation you will hold on to ill feelings and grudges. You will be carrying a baggage of complaints, misunderstanding, ill wishes and hurt for the rest of your life. You will treat the other person like he was obliged to make you happy and he did not do so.
5. Love: Ego-reducing – In love, the ego begins to dissolve. You think beyond just yourself. You are fine to let go of your expectations and make the other happy. Your relationship with your partner brings about a graceful transformation in you. You are open in sharing your strengths and weaknesses, without feeling vulnerable about it. You start becoming more loving and understanding.
Attachment: Ego-boosting – Relationships based on attachment are predominantly ruled by the ego. This ego leads to a vicious stream of unsatisfying experiences in the relationships each of which involves the same, recurrent problems. This generates unhappiness and hatred in the relationship. You rely on the other to solve your problems and if that doesn’t happen there is blame game, fighting, mudslinging etc. The ego is hurt, you try to make it stronger and consequently making the relationship weaker.
We may have often mistaken our attachment to be love. In the process, not only would we have done injustice to ourselves by self-inflicting pain but would have wronged the other in the relationship too. It is time we assess ourselves and immediately transform from attachment to love. And as we change, we will find many such people who truly love. Let us celebrate life together with such people knowing we can truly love and count upon them and they will simply reciprocate with genuine love.
Deep yearning for God has the power to purify you, elevate you and even transform you.