Are you listening?

At age 12 Evelyn Glennie lost her ability to hear, but she did not let that stop her from playing music. Today, she is an internationally acclaimed, Grammy-winning percussionist. People often wonder how she can play music so beautifully if she can’t hear. In a 2007 talk, she explained to the audience, “When I was 12 years-old and I started playing timpani and percussion, my teacher said, ‘How are we going to do this? You know, music is about listening.’ And I said, ‘Yes I agree with that, so what’s the problem?’ And he said, ‘How are you going to hear this? How are you going to hear that?’ And I said, ‘Well, how do you hear it?’ He said, ‘Well, I think through my ears.’ And I said, ‘Well I think I do, too, but I also hear it through my hands, my arms, my cheekbones, my skull, my tummy, my chest, my legs, and so on. It’s amazing that when you do open your body up, and open your hand up, to allow the vibrations to come through, that in fact, the tiny, tiny difference can be felt with just the tiniest part of your finger. So… I would pop my hands on the wall of the music room and together we would listen to the sounds of instruments and really try to connect with those sounds far, far more broadly than simply just depending on the ear.

Her experience begs the question: though we hear what others are saying, are we really listening? Do we listen to our parents, children or spouse in the same way Evelyn Glennie listens to a snare drum? Unlike hearing, the art of listening involves more than just ears; to truly listen involves engaging your entire body. How you listen has a major impact on your success in school and work, as well as on the quality of your relationships. How often do we ignore our own mental chatter and actually focus on the person who is talking to us? One way to become a better listener is by practising “active listening”, where the listener focuses not only on the words that the other person is saying, but also pays attention to the subtext, such as facial expressions and body language. Through active listening, we can communicate more effectively and sincerely with all the different people we interact with.

The key elements of active listening are: clear your mind of mental clutter, show that you are listening through body language and verbal feedback, ask questions, and respond with kindness.

Clear Your Mind So You Are Mentally Present

Just as excessive wax build up in the ears can affect a person’s ability to hear, too much mental clutter can affect your ability to listen. To be mentally present, turn off your inner voice and be aware of when your thoughts are drifting. We spend most of the day listening to our inner voice, the voice in our heads that says things such as, ‘I like the black shirt more than the red one’, ‘I am feeling too hot’, etc. A large component of mental presence is turning off your inner voice. This involves casting away your assumptions about the person speaking or what they are saying. When you assume, you automatically layer your thoughts over the other person’s words, which makes it impossible for you to understand exactly what they are saying and therefore impossible to have a meaningful conversation. Quieting your inner voice also involves rejecting the inclination to make counter-arguments in your head while the other person is talking. Make sure you listen objectively, like a press reporter, to the entire story instead of preparing rebuttals in your mind. This will make you more likely to respond instead of react.

If you find your thoughts drifting when someone is talking to you, remind yourself that you should be listening. You might not catch yourself drifting off as soon as it happens, but whenever you do notice that your thoughts have drifted, just say to yourself “thinking”, drop the thought, and shift your attention back to the speaker. Over time, you will notice that you drift off less frequently, and if you do, you catch yourself much faster. If you find it especially difficult to pay attention to a particular person or topic of conversation, another tip to stay focused is to try mentally repeating the other person’s words as they are saying them. This will ground you in the present moment and reinforce their message.

Be Physically Present – Listen with Your Entire Body

Being physically present means eliminating all the distractions that prevent your eyes from focusing on the person speaking. This means stepping away from the lures of your computer, cell phone, book, newspaper, and environmental distractions such as other people or artefacts in the room. If you are the type of person who is guilty of multitasking when someone is talking to you, one tip to follow is: out of sight, out of mind. In other words, put your phone or book somewhere where you can’t see it. This will help you ensure that you are listening with your eyes as well as your ears.

Non-verbal communication, such as facial expressions and body language, is an important component of active listening. As a listener, you want your body language to convey that you are wholly engaged in what the other person is saying. When someone is speaking to you, make sure that your shoulders are pointing towards them. In other words, turn your entire body, not just your head, towards the speaker. If appropriate, smile so you seem approachable. Nod occasionally to show that you understand what the other person is saying, and make sure not to slouch, fidget, or make inappropriate noises.

Not only should you be aware of your own body language, but you should also pay attention to the speaker’s non-verbal communication. Many times, the words a person says are just the tip of the iceberg of what he is thinking and feeling. Often, body language says more than words, so look out for differences between what his non-verbal communication indicates. For example, if a person says that he had a good day, but his posture is slouched and he sighs a lot, it might be an indication that his day wasn’t really so great. Or, if you are talking to someone and they have their arms crossed or their hands on their hips, they might be feeling attacked or angry. It’s important to mention that non-verbal communication can easily be misinterpreted. That’s one of the reasons why the next step, asking questions, is so important.

Ask Questions

Though we often think of talking and listening as mutually exclusive actions, responding to the speaker is an important component of active listening. One of the key elements of active listening is asking questions to get clarification on what the speaker is saying. This is necessary to confirm that what you think they said is the same as what they think they said. You can do this by saying, “What I am hearing is…” or “Sounds like what you’re saying is…” You can also ask questions to get clarification on certain points, for example, “Do you want me to pick up a chocolate or strawberry flavoured cookies for the party?” or “You said you had a good day, but you’re not smiling as much as you usually do. Are you sure everything’s okay?” When you ask questions, you reassure the speaker that you care about them and what they are saying is important. It’s also a really good way to earn brownie points with your boss!

Respond Kindly

Just because you take the time to listen to someone, doesn’t mean you must agree with everything they say. Be open, honest, and respectful in your response. If you disagree, wait until the other person is completely done talking and kindly explain your point of view. Honesty, however, is not a license for rudeness. Respectful responses take the other person’s feelings and emotions into account. For example, if someone is noticeably upset, allow them some time to cool down and suggest a less confrontational form of communication, such as a phone call or email. Respectful responses also involve the time frame in which you respond – make sure to reply as soon as possible so the other person doesn’t feel that you are ignoring them.

To listen to music, Evelyn Glennie allows every part of her body to feel, to hear, even the tiniest vibrations. Imagine how different the world would be if we all listened to our friends, family members, and co-workers with the same openness. Since we have so many conversations every day, there will be plenty of opportunities to improve your listening skills by practicing the skills discussed: keeping an open mind, quieting your inner voice, being physically present, listening with your entire body, asking questions, and responding kindly. Not only will these skills help you become a better parent, spouse, or child, but they will also help you improve your patience and awareness. Good luck!