He Loves Me Too Much…

“Taare mane aaj thi Bapu kehvanu” – these were the words Pujyashri Gurudev said to me at Devlali, when I was close to five-years-old. I did not realise it then and eventually started calling Him ‘Gurudev’ again, but on reminiscing those times, I realise what He was telling me. This is the relation I have with Him. I have to say this over and over again; He loves me too much.

Param Krupalu Dev has blessed me with a divine Father in my dearest Gurudev. A father may scold his son, let go of his hand, or even ignore him, but it is all part of the training process he specially designs for his son. But when the son goes far away from his father, he never ceases to love him even for a moment. His father does not sit back and wait for him to return; instead he leaves no stone unturned to bring him back. Such is a father’s love for his son. I have experienced this very love from Him. He loves me too much.

Pujyashri Gurudev has blessed me with His divine presence ever since I was born. He has guided me throughout my childhood and college life. Every moment spent in His presence is an experience. Like an iceberg, I can only share the surface incidents, but the real mass of what I have felt is beyond words. Yet, I attempt to share my Bapu’s love through a few incidents of my teenage and college life. He loves me too much.

As I entered college, I suddenly strayed away from Him. I made the biggest mistake of putting my desires before Him. But He never left my side. Once when I went to Manju Apartments, where He stayed when in Mumbai, He asked me to join Him and what began was an outpour of love, in the form of His corrections. He asked and guided me about the minutest aspects of my college life, like asking me to travel by bus instead of the cabs I would take and making sure I ate breakfast which I usually skipped. He even confiscated my phone till I submitted a timetable of how I planned to spend my week. He said to cut down all free time from the timetable and fill it with seva because free time is when all the wrong things would happen. He reduced my talking on the phone from hours to 1½ minute per call, with 3 calls per person. He said discipline was a must if I wanted to succeed. My heavenly Father was grounding me for being naughty. He loves me too much.

But I was not following His ajnas properly and it reflected in all the aspects of my life. My relation with Him was weakening, my relation with my parents was deteriorating, my studies were suffering as I was barely passing, and I even had defaults in seva. Soon enough I was out of seva, out of the Jivanarpit group, and was not allowed to visit Dharampur. But, He always watched over me even then. He remembered me at the Valentine Shibir in Nainital and stated how I had gone away from Him. That was my turning point. From then on, everything started falling in place. My relation with my parents improved, I studied harder but most importantly I began to miss Him terribly. I would be up late at night, sitting in the mandir with a candle and look into Param Krupalu Dev and Gurudev’s eyes. Incessantly tears would flow. I could not stop them. I missed my Gurudev. To top it all, when I stood for darshan, He wouldn’t look at me. I started feeling that I was spoiling His mood by coming in front of Him. Little did I know, He doesn’t have moods, and all this was only to get me back on track. To not look at me, He had kept me in His mind throughout, even when He was looking at everyone else. But I stopped standing in front and instead stood behind cars and did darshan. I could not stay without seeing Him! After four months of being out of the group, during one of the pravachans He said that till four eyes don’t meet – two His and two mine, darshan is not said to be complete. This hit me somewhere deep. The next day I stood for darshan in front again. I was expecting Him not to look at me, which is why when He did look at me I was taken off guard. I was caught out of my wits, to the extent that I saw Him say something to me but I couldn’t comprehend anything beyond the fact that He was really looking at me! He repeated Himself and I heard this time. He said, “Kale meeting ma aavje!” I screamed out and burst into tears. He loves me too much.

A few months later, He again reminded me of His unflinching love. We were on a boat. Siddh was in Amitbhai’s arms. As I stood near him, Siddh hit me. Gurudev looked at me. I said, “Siddhu hates me!” He replied, “Who loves you?” Instantly I laughingly said, “Gurudev, only You do!” He laughed and said, “Saaru chhe kyank toh buddhi vapri!” He continued, “How much Siddhu hates you, that much I’ll love you!” I could not contain myself and I hugged Him. He smiled and said to me, “Hello! You left me, I never left you!” In those eight words He told me everything. Even though I went against His wish and blatantly did not follow His ajna, His love and efforts for me did not stop. He loves me too much.

In September 2009, He told me to help Shreyancebhai with the back office work for the Ashram Master Plan. I really enjoyed the seva. But He did not stop there. On December 25, 2009, Shreyancebhai called me to his office for a surprise. He shook my hand and said, “Congratulations, Gurudev has selected your name for the Master Plan Committee.” I looked at him stunned. I thought he was joking. He chose me? He loves me too much. During the Akhandratri Bhakti, He performed the chandlavidhi and initiated me into His team. After He did the chandla, He was to put the dupatta on me symbolising the responsibility He was entrusting me with, but in a hurry I almost got up. He caught me and laughed, “You are running away from responsibility?” and saying so He placed the dupatta on my shoulders. He loves me too much.

In 2011, I got myself in a personal problem due to my foolishness. I had broken down and lost all hope. I wrote to Him about it. A few days later He called me to Prithvi Apartments to meet Him. He took me to the parking lot, put His arm around me and we walked there. He guided me in the most beautiful way and first changed my thinking and outlook towards the problem. Not only that, He then directly solved the problem by getting involved Himself and helping me. I was lost for words. I had never expected Him to step in so deep into my mess, then grab and pull me out. I owe Him for that, I literally owe Him. In the next pravachan, He narrated the story of a young boy who had a worldly problem and went to His Guru with it. He said that the boy may not be free from his negativities and free from the problem, but his upliftment is fixed, because he knew where to go to solve it. That boy was me. Be it spiritual or worldly problem, His sharan is the place of my refuge. He loves me too much.

Later that year He gave me this beautiful message – “I want you to deserve what you desire.” He loves me too much.

Gurudev, my Bapu, has not only looked after my spiritual life as my Guru, but has even guided me and carried me through my worldly life. Just as a father trains his son to be fit to accept his inheritance; my Bapu is incessantly working on me, chiselling away the unnecessary weight of ego, expectations and suffering and creating from this block of worthless stone, a masterpiece; His Masterpiece worthy of His inheritance. I pray that may I let His will prevail in my life and dedicate this and every life till we finally unite as one, in His service, for His vision and to love only Him. He loves me too much.