Pujya Gurudevshri explains that the art of managing relations lies in the word ‘relation’ itself. After learning in the first part about ‘R’ as remember and express gratitude for others’ contributions and ‘E’ as empathise and understand others, let us explore further

(Part 2 of 4)

Iron complained to gold that it is constantly being hurt by the blacksmith. Gold said, ‘So what? I too get hit by the goldsmith, but I don’t feel hurt.’ Iron replied, ‘the difference is that unlike you, I am being hit with iron; my own breed.’ Hurt from loved ones is difficult to bear. Let us continue our journey of improving our relations and preventing ourselves from knowingly or unknowingly hurting our near and dear ones.

L – Listen

We all want our children to talk well. But we do not teach them the art of listening. We don’t realize that it is talking, not listening that spoils relations. Be a compassionate listener. While listening, do not judge or label. Hear people out. The psychiatrists thrive because they do the listening that our own family don’t.

A son asked his father to get him married. The father said, ‘not yet’. One day, the father suddenly started shouting at the son for mistakes he hadn’t committed. The son remained calm and just apologised. The moment he said sorry, the father said, ‘now you are ready for marriage.’ If you can listen patiently, you are ready for the world.

If you can lend your ears, and give respect and attention to others, everyone will stay happy with you. But you must be genuine. People can read your intentions. Some people while on the phone keep doing their work and try to give an impression that they’re listening. Don’t pretend to listen. Instead, be truthful and ask the person to complete fast. Listening has great power.

A boy had poor eyesight and ended up with spectacles to the power of 10. When asked why he did not inform his parents earlier he said he did try to tell his father about his blurred vision initially itself, but he didn’t listen, saying it wasn’t possible because the father didn’t have the problem at that age. He then went to the grandfather who paid no heed, saying ‘At this age, I don’t have poor eyesight, how can you have vision problems at your age?’ Nobody listened to him and his vision kept getting worse. Listening is a very important necessity for spirituality. Compassionate listening is a virtue.

A – Appreciate

While ‘R’ was to remember others’ smallest contribution, ‘A’ is to appreciate their contribution, in public, as much as possible.

Appreciate your children when they have been kind to someone, your business partner who shared a novel idea with you, your subordinates for their smallest success. Appreciate all those who serve you. By appreciating others, you give them encouragement and yourself inspiration.

Expressing appreciation becomes difficult when someone doing similar work like you is praised, and you are not. At that time, bringing two hands together to clap seems like bringing Kashmir and Kanyakumari together. See how your mind plays. You say, ‘all this is OK, but you don’t know the other side of him.’ Good and bad is your keyhole perception. First you make a judgement that ‘he is not a good person, or anybody could have done this, or things are not as good as they seem.’ Then your mind projects, and you look around for those who agree with you. You find two, and you feel you have the evidence. For you, two is everyone. You don’t care that two hundred have said something different. You don’t want to hear because your judgement is already made. You don’t want to see from all angles because you wanted to arrive at this judgement. Your judgement may not be wrong, but you can’t see that your mind is playing with you. First it passes a judgement, then it proves, and then makes you believe that this is the truth. And then you just can’t see good in others. Free yourself from jealousy by cultivating the habit of appreciating others.

(To be continued…)